Husband puts reminders in his phone to pay wife compliments, wife is offended: 'I'm honestly sincerely trying to learn'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jul 15, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

We all have our systems of organization. Some of us have handwritten planners we pour our lives into, making little checkboxes and ticking them off with glee. Some of us are more technologically motivated with a suite of G-cals, AI assistants, and workflow apps. However you keep your life in order, you know how important it is. If someone took away my calendar app, I would live my life in a constant state of "Am I supposed to be somewhere right now?" It would be an utter nightmare. Some of us need visual cues to prompt our behavior, or else we will forget key things. That is why CEOs have secretaries and executive assistants. There's no shame in that. 

But what about when it comes to personal stuff? Is your organizational mode of choice also appropriate to remind you to be nice to your wife? One man learned the hard way that his wife didn't think so. Read on for the story. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10374703872
    via Giorgio Trovato
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    AITAH for putting a reminder in my phone to pay my wife a compliment?
    via u/mike8111
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    I come from a family who doesn't give many compliments, and I never really got good at giving them. My wife comes from a family of compliments, her dad told her she was pretty nearly every day.
    via u/mike8111
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    She came to me and said it makes her feel bad when I don't compliment her when she's made an effort to look nice. I told her it's hard for me to give a compliment because it doesn't come to my mind to say something, I just quietly enjoy looking at her.
    via u/mike8111
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    This is important to her, so I decided I'd take action and I put a daily reminder in my phone to pay her a compliment. It popped up shortly after I got home from work, and I would go find her and say something nice. This worked great for about a week. She even said she loved that I was making an effort.
    via u/mike8111
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    One day she hears my phone ding and glances at the screen, discovers my notification and confronts me about it. She said she was really hurt, that I needed a reminder to pay her a compliment. If I need to be
    via u/mike8111
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    reminded, then maybe the compliments weren't sincere. I told her they are sincere, I'm just making an honest effort to overcome my shortcomings and give her what she wants and needs.
    via u/mike8111
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    She's been for a couple of days, I recognize this could seem insincere, but I'm honestly sincerely trying to learn to give more compliments.
    via u/mike8111
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    Icy-Entertainer-1816 13 hr. ago NTA. I think it shows love. She brought a concern to your attention and you found a way that works for you to keep it top of mind. In time this will likely turn into a habit. I think it's awesome and shows you are trying.
    via u/Icy-Entertainer-1816
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    Side note, if you guys haven't read the five love languages i would recommend it. It not only helps identify how people receive love, in her case it sounds like words of affirmation, but also helps hit home with our partners that since we
    via u/Icy-Entertainer-1816
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    sometimes receive love differently than our partner that it has to be communicated first so we can understand how to love them. It helped a ton in my marriage. We thought we were showing love, but we weren't seeing it because we gave and received love differently.
    via u/Icy-Entertainer-1816
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    Rredhead926 13 hr. ago • NTA. I think it's sweet. This is actually a great way to turn something into a habit. At first, you need to be reminded. But after awhile, you won't need the reminders anymore.
    via u/Rredhead926
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    • gpolk 12 hr. ago NTA: Sounds like you've read some stuff on the power of developing habits and are using a strategy to do just that. I get her perspective and how it could seem disingenuous, but I think what you've done is nice.
    via u/gpolk
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    I come from a similar family background. Perfectly kind and loving. but no overt expressions of love or compliments. My wife has a routine hair appointment every 5 weeks. She gets the same thing done each time, just touching up the colour and trimming, so its only
    via u/gpolk
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    every a pretty subtle change (at least to my eye). But when she gets home after, if I don't say something I know it makes her feel a little bit sad. So I started to put my wife's hair appointments in my calendar as well. It's not at all because I don't
    via u/gpolk
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    think she looks beautiful and that I need to force saying it. I'm just not as adept at noticing subtle colour changes, and had a bit of a different upbringing, but I'd like to do get in the habit of noticing and its a tiny gesture to make her happier.
    via u/gpolk
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    anon91952 12 hr. ago I asked my girlfriend because as a man I like this idea: my girlfriend also likes this idea because you still have to choose the compliment and it insures plenty of compliments are given. So we agree NTA
    via u/anon91952
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    relaxandbreathelool 11 hr. ago • NAH. I think you should've done a better job hiding it. Most people want to feel heard and taken seriously without feeling like you need external resources to do so. You needing to put a reminder to tell the love of your life that she's beautiful can feel off- putting and lazy. It loses. all romance and just becomes a chore.
    via u/relaxandbreathelool
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    I don't necessarily blame you hence the NAH but you should think about whats happening here.
    via u/relaxandbreathelool
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    Xellbys 6 hr. ago I think nobody is the AH here. While I find your effort really sweet, I also get why she would feel hurt.
    via u/Xellbys
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    To her, this must look like a chore, to give her a compliment. I bet it didn't feel good to ask for compliments in the first place and it probably now doesn't feel genuine. Maybe talk to her again, and try to explain it again, or maybe ask to think of other ways together?
    via u/Xellbys

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love language relationship advice healthy marriage aita relationship marriage toxic-husband husbands relationship-drama marriage-drama relationships compliments husband marriage advice Reddit dating
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